Advice Column

Dear Weakly,

First off- I am a huge fan! How are you guys not published? And a question I ask myself even more is, how are you both still single? From what I can see in your bio photos, you two are definitely hot. Like super hot. What’s wrong with the world?

Anyway, I must admit I’m a little embarrassed being the first man to ask a question. But I know if anyone can help, it would be The Weakly.

My girlfriend really likes role playing. Maybe it’s because she wants to be an actress. But for now, she’s still a waitress, so I’m kinda getting annoyed with all of the characters she is developing and bringing into the bedroom. For instance, just the other day, I had sex with “Tanya”- the gap toothed blonde, who folds t-shirts at Old Navy, and never takes out her bottom retainer. As much as I liked the fact that Tanya enjoys a good pounding in the morning, I’m uncomfortable knowing that I’ve never been to bed with my real girlfriend. She never breaks character and when she comes, she always rattles off her Oscar acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank the Academy, Oh! YES! And my parents! DEBBY! and Oh God! Harold! My agent! ah, ah, AH, AHHH”

I guess what’s really bumming me out is that she never thanks me. The Weakly, what do I do? Her characters allow me to tell my friends I’ve had sex with a ton of women but in all honesty, I just want to go to bed with my girlfriend- no characters welcome.

But seriously, how are you guys not published?

-Making Love to Method

Dearest MLM,

Wow. What can I say? You’re in a tough situation.

Because those photos of us were taken from such a long time ago.
We’re probably equally as attractive now but due to the weight influx, our faces may now be a little tighter than before. We blame it on the economy. And like everything else, the Bush Administration.

Now on to why you wrote The Weakly. Here’s how I feel about actors…they shouldn’t have gap teeth. That’s an awfully distracting feature to have up on the big screen. Case and point- do you remember a little film by Richard Curtis entitled “Love Actually”? If you have seen it, you’ll recall a scene towards the end of the movie where Claudia Schiffer smiles in response to Liam Neeson’s witty remark. As soon as that godforsaken gap comes into focus, one naturally wants to puke. Or fast forward. Why do you think the following people have had such awful careers in film and TV- Arnold Schwarzenegger, Madonna, Michael Strahan?
Leave her. Believe me. Leave her. You’ll never be able to live comfortably because a) she’ll never be a movie star and b) in order to fix that galaxy she’s rocking up front, you’re going to need a good dentist.

Pack up!

MLM, do not be sad when your girlfriend doesn’t shout your name out during intercourse. Do you know what this gives you permission to do? Shout out people’s names that you fantasize about. So go ahead- shout up to the Gods, “Angelina! Gisele! Jessica Rabbit! Ashleeeyyy Petttahhhh!”
I guarantee you, she’ll take notice and stop with her acceptance speech. Which also reminds me–don’t worry about not being included. Those speeches are too damn long, boring, and arrogant. You do not want to be a part of it.

And I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “I don’t know if I can leave her, I think I love her. Plus, aren’t there are lot of models with gap teeth?”

Sure there are, MLM. Lara Stone, Lauren Hutton, Vanessa Paradis, just to name a few. But do you know what’s great about seeing a model with a gap-toothed smile? In a flip of a page, it’s gone. Try fast-forwarding through, Jingle All The Way. Not so easy.

Thanks for all your support, MLM. Now if you could give our info to your girlfriend’s agent, that would be great!

Best,

Ashley